Archive for November, 2009

I actually had the urge to type this in the middle of the night yesterday but instead was too lazy to even switch on the computer. So instead, I organized my thoughts and what I was going to type in this post. Sounds creepy huh? But I always do that because I hate it when my posts seems so messy. Anyways, if I don’t type about this any soon, I think I’ll go crazy. Just have to get it off my chest or something.

It’s more of a liar game actually, is it? When we grow up, we realize that they are many things that we cannot say. In the end, we beat about the bush about thoughts we try to express. The reasons for such actions are simple with the main reason being you might hurt the other party if you are too straight forward and that isn’t good because you might actually hurt ties between you and that person.

I realized that ever since I entered into a Junior College, I’ve changed. I no longer speak what I think, instead I keep it all inside. In the past, I always confront others about what they do and what they say and hence got labelled as “attitude” and “blunt”. But years ago, I couldn’t understand why people do not just speak their thoughts freely. Why can’t we just say things outright? Things that we are being upset with and what we are so irritated for? I’ve always thought by not saying anything and then in your heart meaning another only reveals the traits of a hypocrite. Someone who say something and think the other.

After much thought in the past few years, I realized I’ve become such a person too. It’s not that we lie. Instead, we rather not speak of what we actually think and keep them all inside. All the black lists and favourites are kept all inside. We do not bother to speak up anymore and chooses wisely on who we should speak to and who we shouldn’t. We start to become “calculative” creatures we mind every single thing that people do but keep them in our hearts. We bottle up everything that concerns us and try not to let out any of it. Insecurity may be one of the reasons so. If you let out more information about you, you never know what might happen. When it spreads out of hand, it might take the wrong form and instead create misunderstandings. Also, we’ve all faced before, blabbermouths. They are people who can just tell things that you feel are confidential to anyone around, even people who don’t know you.

However, it’s pretty hilarious when you think about it. When you keep things from someone just because you’re afraid it would hurt them, when they realize the truth one sort or another in the future, they call you a liar. Just because you didn’t express what you thought. And at that time, explaining do no favor. You are deemed as a liar, a loser even though when you think about it, the person who’s angry with you is pretty much the same as you. When we get older, we lose the courage to speak up for fear of the negative consequences. You can even say that we were narrow minded and ignorant in the past to not know the aftermath of confronting someone or something that you do not like.

Instead of saying it outright, we try to drop hints every now and then but it doesn’t really work that way. Some people can get it instantly but others, they never do. Therefore there would be a need to say it out, whatever you are feeling. Positive or negative towards the person. But we’ve got used to our style of keeping quiet till we’ve forgotten how to actually say how we really feel. Then, the wrong message might get across and in the end hurt both parties.

Not forgetting that we are still growing up, we are still lacking experience in many forms. We have not actually master the art of communication just yet. How to interact with others perfectly, without a glitch. I have to say even adults aren’t perfect yet. They make mistakes every now and then. We young adults on the other hand, try to gain experience by exploring our surroundings ourselves. In the end, we learn from all the hurt and misunderstandings we got, not forgetting those touching memories.

At this point of time, I know that I’m no longer a truthful person for I rarely speak out how I really feel, instead I shut it in and drops hints every now and then in hope that someone would get what I think. Sometimes I might get lucky and many a times, I don’t. But to me, I think it pays to be “truthful” sometimes, but not always.